Helping your child...

Helping Your Child Recover From Sexual Abuse

By Caren Adams

You can help but you can't fix.

You, the parent, are the most important influence for your child's recovery from sexual abuse.

You are best able to help by listening, believing, and preparing for the situations where the abuser will be around the child again.

Helping children, 11, 12 and 13 is tricky. They are beginning to pull free of parents. Sexual abuse triggers both early maturity and a greater need for dependency growing out of fear and uncertainty.

“The crisis will pass,” is the only fortune telling you should listen to. Your life and your children's life may change in ways you would not have chosen. But you can find your way out.

How is your child reacting?

Children may be numb, ignore what has happened to them, or show no reactions which seem directly linked to the abuse.

Other children have physical symptoms such as stomach aches, overeating, not eating, or problems sleeping.

They may suffer from anxiety and fear, associated with places or people, or generalized fear.

Memories and feelings associated with the abuse may take over. They have no control over when or how flashbacks happen.

Usually they will deny or downplay any connection between sexual abuse and problems they are having. Keep the connection in mind without trying to force them to see it.

What can you do?

School is especially hard for sexually abused teens. The quiet allows anxiety to surface. To fight it off, they may create a disturbance in class, start a fight, cut class, begin to smoke, and get into trouble.

Anything which reduces the anxiety or stops the memories is likely to be repeated. These behaviors work.

You may want to excuse them but other reactions may be more helpful.

How would you respond before the abuse?

Would it be up to the child to take care of school business?

Would you help the child find other ways to cope?

Don't throw out the way you parented if it made sense to you before. Persist in standing up for your rights and the rules of your household.

Allow your child control when you can. The more they can decide who is told, what people at school know, the more they may let you help in other ways.

Let Them Lean

You can help rebuild your teen's positive feelings about their body and their right to control it. If you need to set limits on sexual acting out behavior, avoid judgments and labels as you do that.

Teens may challenge your wisdom and right to set limits. They may be angry with you because they think you knew or should have protected them.

Don't let your own guilt or fear about their anger stop you. Continue to build a picture of your child as capable, and competent.

Let them know they can lean for a while now, and still grow up. Suggest a nightlight, or other comfort.

Talking about the sexual abuse

Children usually wait for adults to talk about sexual abuse. It's up to you to bring up the sexual abuse when there is space, comfort or reason to talk.

Respect the need for privacy about details of the assault. Remember how sensitive your child may be to questions which could sound blaming.

Good talking space may be in the car, doing chores, or cooking together.

Call us, we can help.

It's free and confidential.

Teen Advocate

County-Wide (360) 376-5979

24 Hour Crisis Line

Orcas Island (360) 376-1234

San Juan Island (360) 378-2345

Lopez Island (360) 468-4567